This past week has been the hardest I’ve ever experienced. I lost my dear friend Daniel on Monday, January 23, at 14:29 Seattle time.

It’s been surreal, almost like a horrible nightmare. The night after I discovered he had passed, I had a dream about him. He was in the hospital bed – I saw him lying there… and I was so distraught. But then he suddenly woke up and said, “I am just kidding!” And I was so angry at him for pretending to die, but when I woke up – and soon discovered that it was not really a dream – I couldn’t stop crying.

Crazy. Lovable. Intense. Genuine. Impulsive. Open. Creative. Attention-seeking. Sweet. There’s so many ways to describe Daniel. He was a force of nature, truly one of a kind – and it’s almost unbelievable that he is gone. I could barely do anything in the three days after his death – I could barely think. All I could do is talk with my friends back in Holland, look at pictures of him, and cry. It was as if my brain was not allowing me to think, all I could do was grieve.

I had to go through that stage of grieving. I had to cry uncontrollably. I had to dedicate that time to him (for myself). I have concluded that moving forward with a greater appreciation for life and those around me is the best tribute I can do. Daniel truly loved life – he loved his family and friends so so so much! He taught me so much!

I feel his presence. I don’t know how – but I know he is with me, and that we will see each other again someday. I have to believe that.

The other day a friend received an interesting Facebook request:

At first I thought it was cool, but now I am very weirded out that the girl I’ve been sponsoring in The Philippines through Children International just friended me on Facebook. And she’s like 5 years older than I thought she was. That’s weird, right?

I responded:

I think that’s great she befriended you, now you can ask her about her life and what the money is doing for her. Remember, Facebook is free, and internet access at cybercafes is very cheap – esp. in a connected society like the Philippines.

This is an interesting situation with regard to Web 2.0 technologies and the false distancing we do between the “developed world” and “developing world”. One might ask, does the sponsored girl have a right to exist in the same space as her donor? And was she somehow encouraged by the Children’s International organization to “friend” her donor on Facebook? I don’t know, but this reminds me somewhat of something I read when using research data from the University of Washington’s Center for Information & Society (now called the Technology & Social Change Group) Landscape Study a few years ago:

From the “Public Access to Information & ICTS Phase Report II” for Argentina:

Damian ([age] 15) spends his mornings in the streets cleaning car windows. In the afternoons he gathers his earnings and runs to the cybercafé Luna. In the virtual world, dozens of kids are waiting for him to connect. “Sometimes I get so caught in the internet, I think it’s an addiction”, [sic] Damian admits.

Damian cleans car windows all day, but he can still afford to connect with privileged people through the power of Web 2.0 technologies. This upsets our superficial “distancing” of poor people in the South. “They” exist, and “they” are becoming increasingly visible through affordable internet access and Web 2.0 technologies.

UW has been closed for three days, which means it’s been google+ hangout sessions for my research groups. I remember the pre-google/skype days when snow days were SNOW DAYS. Meaning, you made hot cocoa, cuddled up on the sofa with a massive blanket, and watched the Price is Right. Oh… those were the days! But who am I kidding?? I watched Divorce Court yesterday. Snow days are awesome!

Do I expect to get an interview or a job from this? Heck No. But it was a good way of practicing how to sell myself, if that makes sense. I’m taking a class with the amazing Laura Schildkraut right now, and she advised all of us going to first speak with the jobs that we’re not all that interested in just to get our nerves out. That worked for me tremendously well, because the first table I spoke to I was just spilling out words like no other. Everything I said could have been more adequately explained with “Blah blah blah blah blah”.

Phew – and at the end of the career fair, yes I was pretty proud of myself for going. Considering my student bank account, Suzie Orman would be proud of me for trying to get any job prospect exposure.

Anyway, beyond this fair – life is going extremely well. My mom bought me a Kindle Fire for Christmas:

I’m pretty obsessed with it, I mean – it’s no iPAD. But it helps me out enormously when I am reading articles and I can highlight a sentence or paragraph incredibly easily (with a $2.99 app). I also have begun putting my daily to-list on it with an app called Astrid. So yes, Kindle Fire – so far, so good! I can tell you I’ve been reading more articles/blog posts since I received the Fire. Here is one awesome article I recently read: How art history majors power the U.S. economy.

The article discusses why liberal arts majors are just as important as computer science and engineering degrees. I definitely agree, but think it’ll take some time for our culture to catch up.

“The most valuable skill anyone can learn in college is how to learn efficiently — how to figure out what you don’t know and build on what you do know to adapt to new situations and new problems. Liberal-arts advocates like this argument, but it applies to any field.” So, so true….

Favorite events of 2011 (in no particular order):

WebClinic

Visiting Provence and going to a beach!

2012 is going to be a year of change, I can feel it. I graduate in June – and will be either heading to graduate school or getting an “adult job”. In some ways I feel like New Year’s Resolutions are stupid, just because most people tend to joke about how they can’t keep them. However, I also think they are a healthy markers for making life better in some way. Although I’m keeping my New Year’s Resolutions private, just to not jinx myself, in general they involved challenging myself to become a better person, to have a better life by relaxing, and write in my journals (like this one!) more often. Cheers!

Beyond medical issues with my family, i have had a really difficult time figuring out my fall quarter schedule. I started taking two classes that made me absolutely miserable. I dropped one of the classes immediately, so I could take a class that focuses on colonialism/postcolonialism. And then the other class that i didn’t drop grew worse and worse as the quarter went by. It wasn’t difficult, whatsoever. But there was a lot of idiotic busy work, and the professor kept trying to justify the importance of taking the class. He was also incredibly pretentious, so – after four weeks – I said sayonara!

Not sure when or if I am even going to take it. So many changes are happening in my life, and I have this thesis that I am going to have to start writing soon, so it’s best I dedicate my time to things I am really passionate about.

Last week I decided to not apply to grad school for next year. When the time came to fill out applications, I was at a complete loss as to where to apply. Basically, my research interests are changing. For the past three years I’ve researched the social appropriation of web technologies, medical technologies, marginalized youth – but where – exactly, do I want to go?

So I’ve decided to be smarter, and more patient with myself. This means I am going to take next year off, take a deep breath, relax, and find the right program with the right people with whom I can work. I just hope I can find a job/something worthwhile to do for next year. Eek!

As I begin my professional life, I have to really think deeply about how I am perceived (I think the dichotomy between “IRL” and “online” is a bit dated, now). The other day I met a new friend in Amsterdam and the issue of this blog came up in our conversation, quite unexpectedly.

This was the second time that me and this friend had met, and he told me that he found my journal – very easily. He said he was now reading my entries from 2003, and asked me about a specific post related to how I think about lazy people. I have no idea what I thought about lazy people about 8 years ago, and I don’t care. But this person mentioning that he had found my journal “so easily” gave me a pause.

He said that if I didn’t want it to be out there, I shouldn’t allow them to be public. I told him that the way I organized the structure of the blog (not allowing a drop-down menu of years), it is not easy to read over 8 years of journal entries without being creepy. This is not to say that anyone who reads my old entries is a creep, only that if you are a person with that much free time then I would love for you to instead commit this free time to volunteering at a food bank or homeless shelter.

Of course I expect future employers and universities to Google me before they hire me. It’s their responsibility to ensure that I am a good candidate to hire, so their sifting through this journal is expected. However, on the same note, I expect them to realize that humans change through the years – we learn, grow, and mature. An organization that can’t understand that is not facing reality, and I probably would be better off being hired/going to school somewhere else.

I take responsibility for what I write, and this responsibility warrants I update this journal with my current thinking. However, although I have a responsibility as the writer of this journal, the reader ALSO has a responsibility to frame my old posts in the context in which they were written. If they can’t do that, then reading this journal to find out “who I really am” is pointless.

This is a personal journal and as I have matured over the years I will write differently than I did when I was 19 or 22. I have taken this blog offline quite a bit, that no one reads it anyway. But I want to update it more often, and invite my friends to read about how amazing my life is right now. If they want to go through a bunch of my old entries, I don’t mind – just don’t bring it up in any conversation, because I’m 99.8% sure I am finished discussing that issue and don’t care about your feelings toward it. Frankly, it tells me more about you than me (and I might ask you to put this free time to good use and volunteer at Planned Parenthood).

So – here’s to “THE NOW”.

Additionally, this summer i am still helping out with the ultrasound project and working on my thesis. So yeah, this was sort of a pointless blog post but I am just trying to say: I am alive!

I really hate that I haven’t been updating this blog. I feel as if blogging is like a conversation, something that you have to keep up so that it stays relevant in your life. Sort of like a friendship, maybe? Blogging has changed so much since I was younger. I used to tell everyone everything that was going on – things like relationships, hating growing up, etc. It’s not like I am boring now that I have “grown up”. It’s just so much stuff is going on, at a different, somewhat more intense, level.

Last March I travelled to Uganda – which was probably one of the most profound experiences in my life. Seeing the stark poverty left a deep impression on me. The Ugandans I met were so kind, and I am so unbelievably lucky I went there. Spring quarter was intense, and I am glad it is over. The only break I got was going to San Francisco for a few days for mother’s day. J and I met his mother and went to Napa Valley for wine tasting – which was really a wonderful experience. We also went to SFMOMA – one of the exhibits focused on Eadweard Muybridge. His work is interesting, focusing on the intersection between movement and animals (including humans).

I would love to see the Nick Cave exhibit at the SAM, but I leave on Saturday for Uganda again. I am extremely excited, but there are so many things up in the air right now. I just hope my itinerary is finalized before I leave. Otherwise, I have to call my friends in Italy to see if I can crash at their place for a few days – which doesn’t sound too bad! ok, i need to keep this conversation going….and update more often!